Recently I had the privilege of listening to an amazing presentation called “The Healing Miracle of Self-Love; what It Is and What It Isn’t,” by Magda Leszczynska. I took notes, and I would like to share those notes today.

Self-love definition. It is not a feeling. It is physical intelligence, a mental clarity, and a spiritual remembering. It is an inner decision to treat yourself as someone worth caring for. Self-love occurs the moment the body relaxes, the mind stops attacking itself and the Spirit remembers why you are here.

Let’s take a moment and think about how the mind views self-love. The mind tends to be a storyteller. Most people do not lack self-love. They lack self-honesty about the stories they have inherited and are repeating themselves.

Here is a sampling of how you may create stories that define self-love and self-worth. Take a moment and write down one or two words that finish each of these sentences. Don’t overthink your response. Write down the first thing that comes to your mind. Usually, that’s the truthful answer.

• I do not deserve love when….
• Love feels dangerous because…. 
• I pull away from intimacy because…. 
• If someone gets too close, I feel…. 
• Belonging to a group feels unsafe because…. 
• I protect my territory, time, energy, and space by…. 
• The part of me that lives in survival behavior is… 
• Money is…. 
• People with a lot of money are…. 
• If I do not stay alert, others will…
• When I am fully myself people might…. 

These stories are not true. They are survival mechanisms. Creating true self-love in our mind means no longer speaking to ourselves as the enemy. Instead, “I treat myself with compassion and empathy. I am here for myself. I take care of myself,” are much better thoughts. And there is nothing wrong with them. Self-love in the mind happens when we catch ourselves repeating one of the stories and DECIDE to choose a different ending or create a new story. Self-love in spirit simply means “I return to myself.” The heart holds the memory of who you are beneath social and cultural conditioning. Self-love in the heart is when the heart is nourished and allowed to remember and flourish.

What simple things nourish the heart? 

1. Stillness–the heart speaks gently and quietly and needs an empty space to be heard.

2. Beauty— in all its forms: art, nature, music, poetry. Beauty opens the heart faster than any technique. 

3. Wonder and Awe— our heart expands when we encounter something larger than ourselves. 

4. Meaning and Service —the heart thrives when it feels purpose and connection.

5. Gratitude in Motion—notice what is already supporting you and be grateful.

These also nourish self-love in the mind and spirit.

Four Universal Pillars of Self-Love 

1. Boundaries –A boundary is not rejection. Proper boundaries set self-respect. They are an accurate self-measurement. It tells others how to treat you based on how you treat yourself. Self-love without boundaries is not possible.

2. Selfishness reclaimed–A healthy dose of selfishness is simply choosing not to abandon yourself. It is tending to your energy before tending to the world. For example, before every flight, attendants specify that “in an emergency, you are to put your own oxygen mask on, before helping another person put on their mask.”  Otherwise, you could put two people in jeopardy. 

3. Intimacy with oneself–True intimacy means “into–me-see.” See yourself without flinching. Witness your own needs, fears, desires, and longings. Emotional intimacy simply means, “I allow myself to feel.” Spiritual. Intimacy means, “I allow myself to be known by life and to be seen.” 

4. Simplify life –The more overwhelmed people feel, the less self-love they practice. Simplicity is the nervous system’s natural medicine. Simplicity creates fewer decisions, demands, and drains. You simplify your life to amplify it.

Simple Practices to Try

• Place your hand on your chest, take three breaths into the heart.
• Speak one truth you have been avoiding. 
• Allow yourself to receive compliments, support, and love. 
• Spend at least two minutes daily practicing “Beauty”, connecting with nature, creating art, listening to inspirational music, writing, or reading beautiful poetry or journaling.
• Write a prayer or intention for your day. 
• Spend time looking at your own reflection in a mirror with compassion for at least 10 seconds every day.
• Smile without cause.
• Before bed think of three things you are grateful for.